Since my early adult life, I have been drawn to different sports and always go all-in when I start one. I find peace, relaxation, and calm by exerting myself during physical activities. The more demanding it is on my body, the more I feel at ease with everything else that’s going on. It’s fun to swing kettlebells or hike up Sharp Peak as fast as I am capable of, but cycling has a special standing for me. The repetitive motion of the pedals moving over and over in a circle calms my mind while I am still around like-minded people. While leading rides for our cycling club here in Hong Kong I am looking out for others on the road, showing them the roads and sides of Hong Kong I grew so fond of. Just like in the classroom – where I look out for the well-being of my students and show them the wonders of science – this fills me with joy and contentment.
In both my profession and my free time, I am passionate about caring for the people around me, creating an environment in which they are enabled to grow and feel safe to not only show their strengths but also their weaknesses.
Coming to Hong Kong was an escape from myself and the surroundings I felt desperately lost in. I grew up in constant worry although I had nothing to worry about. I’d withdraw from everyone who cared about me and got lost in negative self-talk causing my self-worth to rapidly decline. Despite those internal worries, I progressed in my career, finished my studies, and landed great results.
The change in scenery worked! At least for a short while until my mood swings came back. Telling myself I was a fraud and terrible at my job, worthless and naive, emotionless and uninteresting – but more than anything else: the fear of being seen as who I thought I was. The old patterns came into play once again. Withdrawal from friends and the few things left that brought me joy. Deep and seemingly never-ending sadness was the only constant those days. Surprisingly, I was still able to teach lessons that retrospectively were wonderfully prepared. I was also leading rides and creating that atmosphere for the people around me that I myself needed the most. Now I can say it, I was still a functioning and important part of society those days.
In 2021 more and more stories, blogs, and videos of people sharing their mental health struggles helped me to overcome my self-stigma. I admitted that I needed help. My GP diagnosed me with depression on my first visit and suggested counselling in combination with antidepressant medication. Undoing all the layers with my counsellor was the toughest thing I’ve ever done. I cried in every session for a good while but felt relieved at the same time. I learnt to not shut others out and to share what is troubling my mind. The conversations with my girlfriend got deeper and she truly had my back during this hardship of a time. I had and still have two incredibly good friends. We share what’s going on, how we cope with what life or we ourselves throw at us, and exercise together. Physical activity paired with ongoing counselling sessions continues to be a great attribute of my recovery.
The (self-)stigma around mental illness used to be a hindrance for me seeking help. But once I did, it gave me the necessary tools. I am so much stronger and healthier for it. There is always hope. And there are always others who will be there for you. It certainly was the case for me and encouraged me to reach out to others even more.
